True Emotions

There are some days when I feel incredible.  I look in the mirror and think, "Wow!  Look at how great you are doing."  I get dressed in the morning and am impressed with how thin I feel.  I feel confident, I feel beautiful. 

Then there are those days when I think, "I still have so much further to go!"  I still have a big butt, my thighs are still big and rub together at the top, my arms are still relatively large, my face is still slightly chubby.. and my stomach.  Well, what should I expect after having 2 kids and going from 217 pounds to pregnant and 217 pounds, to 195 pounds, back up to 217, back down to 195, back up to 217, down to 174, back up to 205, then pregnant and up to 228, and then five months later, back down to 174!  My poor stomach is gross.  To say the least. 

I often wonder how long it will be before I feel comfortable in almost anything I wear.  I still find that, too often, I put shirts on in the morning and find myself uncomfortable and not enjoying what I'm seeing.  Too often, I look in the mirror and am grossed out. 

I have so much more to lose.  I'm really contemplating getting "Don't give up" tattooed on me.  Somewhere.  I need a constant reminder, for the rest of my life, to never, ever give up.  This is a hard fight.  A long fight.  One that I will be fighting for the rest of my life.  One that I will want to give up on.  I need to remember that having a bad day, doesn't mean I need to have two bad days, or a bad week, or a bad month.  It doesn't mean that my life is ruined, or my week is shot.  It just means that I need to pick up and keep going.

A friend of mine posted a picture on Instagram that said, "If you don't want to start over, never give up."  That's what I need to remember every day.  I wouldn't feel the way I feel about myself most days if I never gave up last year. 

I'll admit, that many of the pictures that I have had taken of me lately I feel wonderful when I look at them.  I can't believe how thin I look.  But that is in comparison to before.  I wonder what I will look like at my goal weight.  I wonder if my goal weight is realistic, or if I'm pushing it.  I'm wondering if I'll ever feel good about myself the majority of the time (because, let's face it, you cannot feel good about yourself 100% of the time). 

I want to feel beautiful.  That's my ultimate goal. 

Here's to hoping I can reach that one day.